I’ve been lonely for some time now, hoping anyone who I perceive as better than me will scoop me up on a night kite rescue mission and love me so hard that I can finally forget about this feeling left over from all the years my blood was boiling. Dear Gravel, it doesn’t work like that. If anyone ever loves you that hard, hard as you’ve been dreaming, chances are you will not believe them until you accept yourself.
Having opinions sucks
Because if you have a really good one you have to fear and keep it protected. I remember having this really good thought… I know all the ins and outs of it. I just refuse to tell anyone because it’s the most intellectual thought I hold dear to me. It’s probably common knowledge, but I got there with no help. But I can’t share it for fear of not being acknowledged.
I want to be a droid.
Another thing, for the road
Big changes are here and near.
I told someone how they’ve really fucked everything up. They really just dug my heart out, and everyone involved, their hearts too. And how we all miss her but she just went and fucking did it this time. Inexcusable shit, really. Breaking more hearts than we ever knew she could break. I remember her saying “when the shit hits the fan, we will stay in touch.” But the reality has been, when that shit hit the fan, she wouldn’t make eye contact and pretended she didn’t know any of us.
Other than that, quite the opposite, getting closer to others. That is… interesting and really scary. I don’t want to give details. Cause… whatever. Sometimes I feel as though I am not ready. But I guess the best way to find out is to just do it. #yoloamirite.
One last thing, I’m getting surgery next Thursday and I am fucking terrified. I am unprepared for life.
I’m uninteresting
But today I feel like ranting about things. It’s gonna get all personal up in here.
I like tumblr because I can do this and people have the option to read it and keep scrolling and not care. It’s awesome.
Anyway, I really hate when people tolerate the intolerable. Like, people keep reblogging pictures that are clearly are domestic abuse. I hate it. I’m no radical feminist, but it’s fucked up. I can’t stand when chicks are so able to disregard themselves for the sake of a man. Like, why do you think domestic abuse is sexy? Cause it’s fucking not. It’s just perpetuating intolerable and shitty behavior. And what grinds my gears more is when chicks by into the whole skinny thing. Everyone wants to be thinner, I get it. But not everyone has to look like a skeleton. Sometimes tumblr disgusts me in that way.
Fuck him. Fuck you. Fuck her.
Fuck exclusiveness. Fuck self righteousness. Fuck inhibition. Fuck confidence. Fuck no confidence. Fuck hair. Fuck other people’s music taste. Fuck people with beach themed bathrooms. Fuck people with themed bathrooms in general. Fuck other humans. Fuck people who only talk about themselves. Fuck rude people. Fuck not feeling good enough. Fuck meth. Fuck opinions. Fuck being treated like shit. Fuck being okay with being treated like shit. Fuck apathy. Fuck passiveness. Fuck passive-aggresiveness. Fuck helplessness. Fuck self-loathing. Fuck self-loving. Fuck arguing. Fuck prostitots. Fuck 12 year olds doing coke. Fuck originality. Fuck tackiness. Fuck sequins. Fuck being stood up. Fuck trying to put on a mask. Fuck fake feelings. Fuck intellect. Fuck being the smartest kid in the class. Fuck being smart. Fuck inspiration. Fuck being told no. Fuck being told to put away your art. Fuck being told to put away your music. Fuck pretentious musicians. Fuck pretentious people. Fuck feeling this way.
Fuck him. Fuck you. Fuck her.
Because the internet is funny.
Freedom Riders.
India ink.
Though I feel I am dreaming.
Though I feel I am not awake.
I am happy.
I am skeptical.
But I am happy.
Breaking down barriers.
I am happy.
What a blessing.
General Douglas MacArthur.
